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I submitted a manuscript a few weeks ago and when I checked the mail today it had come back to me unopened. The address I sent it to did not exist.
No huge deal. I'll just call up the company and see if they changed PO boxes...but I must confess to feeling let down.
Oddly enough I think even a rejection letter would have felt better, at least then these past weeks of anticipation would have led to some sort of communication.
Alas, they did not.
Some people have a philosophy of "waiting for God to point them in a direction."
I've always thought better to let God, or the Universe or the Aliens or whoever you think is in charge of fate, tell you "no" instead of waiting for a "yes."
It seems like I've had a lot of "no" lately. My old pastor used to say that some things are "of The Devil" some things are "of the Holy Spirit" and some things are "of Daffy Duck." I think I finally understand.
I'm not complaining, only pondering.
I'm not sure if it's because my ideas and plans are doofy or if it's because I truly have a purpose that I just haven't found yet.
I wonder if that purpose is time sensitive. Am I supposed to fail at everything else because I'm supposed to be at home with Penny right now? Will I stop failing when Penny starts school? Or graduates high school? Will I stop failing when my ideas get better. Is this just dumb luck? The economy? Or is it me....
My goodness this is sounding a little pathetic.
A month ago I applied for a baby sitting job at a community center. 3 hours a day. I worked special ed for 2 years in the public schools in Portland...I didn't get the job because they had found someone whose skills were a "Better Fit" for the position.
I think I hate fail blog so much because I'm afraid one day I'm going to look at it and see my picture posted with FAIL scrolled across my forehead.
I can just picture the end of my life being like one of those terrible Lifetime TV Movies where at the end the old lady on her deathbed sits and holds her daughter's hand and says, "The one thing I got right in life was you."
I don't want to be that lady. I don't want Penny to have that mom, or Charlie to have that wife.
So how do you get out of a rut when every plan you make runs you head first into a wall?
Not complaining, just pondering.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The Island
Is Great Barrington THE ISLAND?
Penny was born on the night of the season 5 finale of LOST. To give some background. Charlie and I are NUTS about LOST. NUTS. In Portland we used to organize LOST Night, we would have friends over for potluck dinner and BYOB and all of the talking would stop when the show came on. One year for one of the finales we had everyone come dressed up as their favorite LOST character. I have pictures of Charlie in a yellow yarn wig and a torn-open shirt because he was supposed to be Sawyer.
For awhile we didn't own a TV so we would walk over to a bar and sit around the TV there when LOST came on. My sister would meet us there and she and Charlie would have a beer and I would order a big bowl of ice-cream and we would turn on the subtitles so that we could see what was going on when the noise from the jukebox drowned out the dialogue.
I feel guilty admitting this but I was induced and the doctor gave me the choice of having the baby the night before the LOST finale or the night of. I chose the night before....also because I was excited to meet my baby. :) smile. The induction didn't work that first night so as fate would have it, Penny was born at 8pm and by the time the show started at 9 I was a little...shall we say.....distracted.
On the show LOST, for those of you who aren't familiar, the characters crash on an island. There are flashes back into their lives before the crash and you start to gather that none of them were particularly happy. In fact, even though there is danger lurking in every corner of the island, the characters are all better off there they just don't know it. They fight so hard to get off the island, but only to get back to the stress of their previous lives. The grass is always greener I suppose.
Since we moved here a year ago, I have wanted to leave. Danger in the form of loneliness, joblessness, high cost of living and jumping spiders, has lurked in every corner of our lives.
But then there are these moments.
Sure, we're all alone (well 4 hours away from our closest friends and family) but we've learned to lean on eachother like never before. I would love to be closer to our families, there are times when I have no idea what to do when Penny cries, but I look at her with so much pride now. We're winging it and despite all of my doubts, she seems to be thriving. There are no jobs out here, but because there are no jobs and child care is so expensive anyway, I get to stay home and watch everything that Penny does, all of the different ways she changes and grows from sun up to sun down. In these moments of peace and security I wonder, is Great Barrington OUR Island?
Penny was born on the night of the season 5 finale of LOST. To give some background. Charlie and I are NUTS about LOST. NUTS. In Portland we used to organize LOST Night, we would have friends over for potluck dinner and BYOB and all of the talking would stop when the show came on. One year for one of the finales we had everyone come dressed up as their favorite LOST character. I have pictures of Charlie in a yellow yarn wig and a torn-open shirt because he was supposed to be Sawyer.
For awhile we didn't own a TV so we would walk over to a bar and sit around the TV there when LOST came on. My sister would meet us there and she and Charlie would have a beer and I would order a big bowl of ice-cream and we would turn on the subtitles so that we could see what was going on when the noise from the jukebox drowned out the dialogue.
I feel guilty admitting this but I was induced and the doctor gave me the choice of having the baby the night before the LOST finale or the night of. I chose the night before....also because I was excited to meet my baby. :) smile. The induction didn't work that first night so as fate would have it, Penny was born at 8pm and by the time the show started at 9 I was a little...shall we say.....distracted.
On the show LOST, for those of you who aren't familiar, the characters crash on an island. There are flashes back into their lives before the crash and you start to gather that none of them were particularly happy. In fact, even though there is danger lurking in every corner of the island, the characters are all better off there they just don't know it. They fight so hard to get off the island, but only to get back to the stress of their previous lives. The grass is always greener I suppose.
Since we moved here a year ago, I have wanted to leave. Danger in the form of loneliness, joblessness, high cost of living and jumping spiders, has lurked in every corner of our lives.
But then there are these moments.
Sure, we're all alone (well 4 hours away from our closest friends and family) but we've learned to lean on eachother like never before. I would love to be closer to our families, there are times when I have no idea what to do when Penny cries, but I look at her with so much pride now. We're winging it and despite all of my doubts, she seems to be thriving. There are no jobs out here, but because there are no jobs and child care is so expensive anyway, I get to stay home and watch everything that Penny does, all of the different ways she changes and grows from sun up to sun down. In these moments of peace and security I wonder, is Great Barrington OUR Island?
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